Life is process

I am a big believer in most things that require one to, in situations of conflict and difficulty, most situations really, but mostly those two, look at oneself and ones behaviour as opposed to automatically looking to blame another. Things like process and introspection. I came across this passage in Americanah…

“They did not fight again until the relationship ended, but in the time of Blaine’s stoniness, when Ifemelu burrowed into herself and ate whole chocolate bars, her feelings for him changed. She still admired him, his moral fibre, his life of clean lines, but now it was admiration for a person separate from her, a person far away.”

…and it struck me because it speaks precisely to process and introspection. After their break-up Blaine will probably never realise that his choice of ‘punishment’ for Ifemelu’s wrongdoing played a part in the breakdown of their relationship. He will probably think of this particular fight and credit it with causing the beginning of the end but he will place the blame on her (she lied about why she did not attend a protest he had planned - she attended a friend of a friends farewell party instead) but never think about how his reaction to that mistake also contributed to the breakdown of their relationship. And I guess we have all been guilty of this, placing the blame on our partner and completely neglecting the part we played…we are doing ourselves such an injustice.

2014 has been one hell of a year for me…filled with things I never saw coming. Some beautiful…some tragic. I have often described it as the toughest year of my life, but in a recent post about it in my diary…a reflection post of sorts…I called it my most successful year and that was so refreshing for me. Yes it was tough, but it was also extremely successful because I did so much growing this year. Because growth and success doesn’t usually come from the happy and chilled bits of life. But I believe growth comes, not only when we go through trying times, but when we are able to extract the lessons from them. And no, just living through it does not automatically mean you see and absorb the lesson.

It is very easy to see our partners’ faults and where they can change and do things better. But it’s extremely difficult to see our own shortcomings. One of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last couple of years is to constantly be aware of how my thoughts, actions and reactions are contributing to the growth or breakdown of my relationships. This is especially hard to do in rough patches. But process is process, in good or bad times. When someone who loves us hurts us it is very difficult to take a step back and think about how our own behaviour has contributed, or how, how we behave is going to contribute to making up or breaking up. Because a relationship is never a one sided affair, there is always a push and pull and your actions matter and play a role even if you are not necessarily the one in the wrong.

So what do I mean by being aware of process and your role in it? Here are a few examples:

• Your partner lies to you and instead of immediately placing blame you think “is there a way in which I am behaving that makes her feel like she can’t be honest with me?”
• Your partner starts acting like a crazy person and starts with the excessive where-are-yous; who-are-you-talking-to's. You think “have I done something in the past to lead her to believe that this type of behaviour is acceptable?”

At first glance it seems like I am saying blame yourself for your partners’ wrongdoings, but that is not what I am saying at all. You can ask yourself all these questions and not find anything in your behaviour that contributed to what they did wrong, and note I said ‘contribute’ not ‘caused’. But automatically blaming and refusing to think beyond that assumes that our partners are cruel people who intentionally hurt us, and yes, sociopaths do exist, but more often than not they are not our partners. Like in the case of Blaine and Ifemelu, he could not see past the fact that she lied long enough to sit down and ask her why. The fact that she lied is in itself an awful thing, but it didn’t happen in a vacuum, there was a long (or short) list of events that led up to it. And taking the time to map process does not acquit the other of wrong doing, it helps you to understand and then take appropriate action from there, whether that is to move forward together or apart. But either way you are going to move forward, not wallow in the past feeling bitter and holding grudges, because like some very wise person once said…As long as it’s always the other persons fault, u will always be disappointed. Life is process, process that u partake in. What's YOUR role? And ya vele…that someone was me J