I went to church this past weekend. I have been
wanting to go back, for a while, to get closure pretty much and to finally
decide if I was going to leave or stay. There was a story about an ex-lesbian
who was straight, broke up with her ex-fiancé, went to work at a female
dominated organisation, met a wonderful girl, dated her for 5 years, stumbled
upon church one Sunday, attended, became really involved and decided she had
been living a lie and left her girlfriend and gayness behind and is now doing
life with a very nice gentleman.
The other day I heard that Flabba was stabbed to
death, allegedly by his girlfriend. My initial reaction was “I wonder what he
did”. But of course the majority of South Africans did not share my sentiments.
Their reaction was more like “OFF WITH HER HEAD”.
On Instagram I came across a post speaking about
the definition of ‘Ineptocracy’. It went like this “A system of government
where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing,
and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed
are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a
diminishing number of producers. And he commented and said “True for us here”.
By ‘us here’ he means for us, South Africans, here
in South Africa.
By ‘the least capable to lead’ he means the ANC
By ‘least capable of producing’ he means black
people
By ‘member of society least likely to sustain
themselves or succeed’ he means black people
By ‘by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing
number of producers’ he means white people
The I-found-God-and-stopped-being-a-lesbian
Lesbian; the woman who so dared to kill a man, a famous man and the so
blatantly, hiding his racism in plain sight, racist pastor have all plagued me
this week. Leaving a sour taste in my mouth.
The I-found-God-and-stopped-being-a-lesbian Lesbian
I saw her pic on an Instagram post. Her story of
‘sexual identity crisis’ was not written about but they enticed me by telling
me to come hear the uncut version of her story. She was so obviously a Dyke, I
had to go see what her story with the church was about. And to be very honest I
hoped that it would be a positive one. One about how the church accepted her
and who she loved in such a way that her sexuality didn’t define her or the
role she could play in the church. I hoped for this scenario so much but that
was not the case, as I knew it would not be. In fact the opposite was true.
They used the story of a woman who clearly had a tough upbringing, who spent
her life searching for what was perhaps lacking in her life since early on and
made it about her sexuality, sorry I mean ‘sexual identity crisis’, because
being gay is so much of a non-thing that we don’t even call it by name.
My friends and I had a discussion about it
afterwards and the boyfriend of one of my friends said “I have never heard more
bullshit in my life” and I can’t find a better set of words to round up my
feelings about it. It is absolutely despicable that they would take the story
of one woman and use it to sell their message of ‘crises of sexual identity’
and how coming to church can ‘fix it’. In my opinion this woman’s story had
absolutely nothing to do with her sexuality and everything to do with her
search and need to belong. She just happened to have been dating a woman when
she found God and so of course church cured her of her sinful ways. Sigh. My
words honestly fail me when people who are so greatly trying to live the word
of God, be the word of God and sell the word of God are the exact people who
spout ignorance and judgement and hate. Because telling people that its wrong
to be who they are is hateful! It reminds me of when I had a discussion with a
friend who I attended this church with and she was asking me why I stopped
coming and she said “So you are dating a woman! I am having unmarried sex and
don’t tithe as well as I should, but I still come to church”. So basically she
is sinning and I am sinning, this shouldn’t stop us from going to church. And
of course one day she can decide to stop having pre-marital sex and decide to
start tithing every month, and since I was attracted to men before I can decide
to stop being attracted to women. And bless her soul she was not trying to be
facetious, but her statement said to me “I am comparing your sexual
orientation, which I deem a sin, to my sins of pre-marital sex and bad tithing.
You are a sinner Amanda and sinners need Jesus”. Also, had me at a loss for
words that people could be so flippant and unaware, so unaware.
The So-blatantly-hiding-his-racism-in-plain-sight racist
pastor
That person, that white person who has black
‘friends’ and therefore feels like they can make underhanded comments and make
unfair and unfounded criticisms of black people because they can’t be racist,
they are just being honest. Here is a bit of a newsflash. Saying you are ‘just
being honest’ does not make you any less racist. Having black people on your
staff does not make you any less racist. Having black people in your
congregation…also doesn’t make you any less racist. I am so sorry to tell you.
Acknowledging that apartheid was wrong and should never have happened but
proceeding to say ‘it’s over now, we are 20 odd years into democracy, black
people need to curb this feeling of entitlement, and for heaven’s sake stop
bloody toi-toing’…guess what! Yup…also makes you racist, and honestly, it makes
you an asshole. The biggest reason that certain women think that men can’t be
feminist and certain people think that only 5% of the white population in this
country are not racist is because it is extremely difficult to relinquish your
power, your maleness, your privilege, your whiteness and open your eyes to
what’s really going on in the world.
The woman who so dared to kill a man
A friend of mine wrote “this is so sad. Killed by your very
own woman. Unbelievable”. But also, newsflash, no, people being killed by their
very own partners is actually very believable. It just happens the other way
round. Thousands of women are killed by their intimate partners every single
day in this country. There just isn’t as much of an outrage about it. Community
members don’t stand outside of magistrate courts and shout “no bail” and taunt
the defendant’s family when these scores of women are being slain every day. No
one stands outside mag courts and professes what valuable and respected members
of society these women were.
I am queer, I am black, I am a woman. And this week I was
just pissed off at people shamelessly trying to un-gay me, trying to ‘just be
honest’ by making value-judgments about my blackness and by people normalizing
the violence against my body.
