I am always in awe and a little bit envious, if I am honest,
of the relationship my partner has with her ex’s. They still speak and maintain
some sort of relationship. There is no hate, no loathing, no love lost. And I
admire that so much, to accept the completion of a relationship, accept the
situation for what it is/was and move on and acknowledge that there was love
there and that love doesn’t go to shit just because things didn’t work out. She
has these relationships with not only her ex’s where things ended amicably, but
also with her ex’s where there was a lot of hurt and heartbreak.
I often wonder if it’s something about her character that
fosters these kinds of relationships. I was made very aware in the beginning of
our relationship that she loves incredibly well (I don’t know if that is a
legitimate skill that people can possess lol, but she has it). It’s not because
I am special that her love for me is so valiant and outstanding, it’s because
that’s just the heart she has. A big one. A whole one that want’s to envelope
you and make you feel at home. This doesn’t mean she is perfect. It doesn’t
mean she doesn’t make mistakes. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t hurt anyone. But is
it the genuineness and pureness of her love that makes you want to continue to
love her, to have her love you, even if the love is no longer romantic?
In the past 2 weeks, after seeing a picture that a friend
posted, I have started speaking again to this awesome guy I dated when I was in
matric. We decided we should catch up and go for lunch or coffee sometime soon.
That sometime soon was this past Sunday at the Fourways Farmers Market. He is
pretty much the same guy that I remember. Funny, sweet, opinionated, but he’s
developed an impressive wisdom and insight. We spoke mostly about what’s happened
in our lives in the last 10 years and the people we have become/grown in to. In
essence I think we are the same people we were in matric, just with more backbone,
self-assurance and chutzpah.
Upon leaving the market I spotted another ex. An ex I am not
on good terms with. I must admit that I spotted him and immediately looked away
and walked ahead to avoid the ‘oh shit there she is/there he is, let’s look the
other way’ awkwardness. The ‘spotting’ was literally 2 seconds long, but
juxtaposed alongside the friend ex, it really rattled me. How is it possible
that on my left is an ex that I just had a really lovely day with and on my right
is another ex that I am going to scurry past like I don’t know what that man’s
ass crack looks like?
But why? Why even bother wanting to maintain a friendship with
someone after a romantic relationship has ended? A friend of mine, and I am
sure many people share this sentiment, wishes that all his exes could just stop
existing and fall off the face of the earth. Not because he hates them, but because
their time together has come to an end and there is no need for him to see, let
alone have lunch with anyone he has dated. And all the fibres of my being are
on some whaaaaaat?!? I mean I don’t know about yal but when I am building a
relationship with sumbarrry special I build beyond the ‘I want to have great
sexy times with you’. I have an intense desire to be seen in a relationship,
really seen, for who and what I am, and to have that person love my whole
being, even the bits that they don’t agree with, the bits that are different
from their bits. So I intentionally build a strong, as honest as I can be, here
is a window to my soul, bond. And as a result, I think, my value and
appreciation for that person goes beyond them being my partner. It goes to
their personhood. And all the things that I love(d) about them, therefore, don’t
go away just because we can’t be in a relationship (because those things were
not based on the fact that we were in a relationship). So when I hear someone
say that allll their exes can go to the nearest dumping site I am, honestly, a
little bit (and by a little bit, I mean a lot) offended, like, oh!! So my value
as a person in your life was solely dependent on the fact that you had access
to this ass?
But as a student of psychology, a feminist and a big
believer in introspection, I am also aware of the cyclical nature of the
universe and all the goings on in this life. And as such I am aware that my
offense is also coloured by some of my own internal struggles, insecurities and
questions.
You cannot be friends with/maintain a relationship with
every single person that you ever had a liking/loving for. People grow apart. People
change. People become people that the people we have become cannot be down
with. That’s a true and sometimes painful fact of life. And it’s hard and it
sucks, but mostly it’s for the best.
Going back to my envy of baby and her relationships with her
exs, what a continued relationship with someone you were once romantically
linked to says to me is “You are valid. This relationship was valid. And I
value your being, not just your being when you were fucking me”. But our value,
our validation, our sense of worth cannot be tied to anyone else, past or
present, and my internal strife starts there. To get to a place where I can accept
the situation for what it is/was and move on and acknowledge that there was
love there and that love, from my side, doesn’t go to shit regardless of how
the other person feels about me and continuing a relationship with me.
I am the kind of person who needs to talk with the
individual concerned to gain closure. I like to talk through everything really.
And a big point of growth for me has been to realise and accept that sometimes the
other person does not need to talk and talk. That maybe closure for them is
forgetting I existed. And that is ok. There needs to be a mutual agreement that
continuing to be a part of one another’s lives is beneficial to both parties. And
when you have loved someone intimately there is a lot of work that comes with
changing and finding a new dynamic to your relationship. And that work is not something we’re all
prepared to do. And that is also ok.
Thank you
ReplyDelete