This question was posed in a group I am a part of on
Facebook. If you know anything about me, anything recent about me, I think you
would guess my answer to be “DUH Felicia” not everyone is 100% monogamous with
your cheating, trifling asses. But after much thought on this subject recently
I think my answer is “No. I do believe that there are people who are 100%
monogamous” and I’ll tell you why.
Until recently, I have always been in monogamous
relationships. Heck I never knew, besides cheating, that there were
alternatives. I was first introduced to the concept of polyamorous
relationships when I met my partner, who at the time, was in a polyamorous
relationship. I considered the idea, first and foremost, probably because I
really liked her and didn’t want the barrier of her already being in a
relationship to get in the way. But the longer I allowed the idea to simmer
(and the longer I dated her and saw polyamory in action) the more I was
convinced that this was the choice for me.
The fact that my partner has had sexual relationships before
me doesn’t gross me out, I fact it intrigues me. And this was a great chance to
ask all the questions I wanted without seeming like a creep (although I
probably am but it’s ok J)
I enjoyed the fact that I wouldn’t have to feel guilty if I
ever felt attracted to someone else like I did in a monogamous relationship.
How does that even make sense though hey. Attraction to another being is not
something we necessarily have control over. Why is it assumed then, that when
you are in a relationship the attraction chemicals in your body go to Avalon
“to die no more”?
I loved that I would get to keep my individuality without
that negatively affecting my partner because she valued her individuality and
independence as much as I did.
But of course, like most things in life, practice is often
not as blissful or as blemish free as theory. Like any relationship though,
choosing polyamory requires you to be intentional about it and to actively
choose it, every single day.
It is not banging everyone in sight. It is not lusting after
every Jane, Jill and Janet. It is not making decisions on your own. It’s not
pretending to be single while baby sits at home, cooks you dinner and does your
laundry.
I remember how I used to feel when ex-boyfriends cheated on
me, or when I suspected they were into another girl. Or even when they had a
female friend they were really close with. That shit hurt like hell. Jealously
is a bitch. Dishonesty is a bitch. Betrayal!! The mother of all bitches. And
for what? Because I felt my partner shared what was supposed to be mine with
someone else? And someone else took what was mine?
The idea that I belong only to me is the selling point of
polyamory. In a society that has taught me from birth that my existence as a
woman is to benefit everyone who isn’t me, there is very little that I value
more than choice, freedom and autonomy. Doing something solely for my pleasure,
enjoyment, happiness and benefit…is to me revolutionary. The hard part comes
with the realisation that with freedom (cliché I know, but it doesn’t make it
less true) comes responsibility. Responsibility to the person/people that I
have made a commitment to. A responsibility to be open and honest and
self-reflecting. I am responsible to the people I love and also to the people
that I am still to love to make them aware, from the beginning, by fighting the
urge that comes with new love, to pledge my heart, soul and eternity to only
them. And let me tell you, its fucking hard! It’s hard to have to be completely
honest all the time. It’s hard to feel jealous and be reflective enough to
realise my hypocrisy at the same time. It’s hard to pledge polyamory and watch your
partner fall for someone else and have to reckon with yourself that you chose
this, you believe in this…and not only when you are the one who is doing the
falling in love with someone else.
So I 100% disagree with the statement that not everyone is
100% monogamous. I think there are people out there who realise that love in
itself is intentional. That it’s hard. That it’s a choice you make every single
day because butterflies are not going to carry you into the future. And they
realise the kind of love that they are capable and not capable of.
Every day I am trying to unlearn the doctrine of patriarchy.
And the way I express my love and sex is one of those areas that I am trying to
define for myself, free from what I have been taught love and sex from a woman
have to look like. There are times when the unlearning is glorious. And there
are times when the paving of a way that is my own is painful.
But I am intentional, even when I am uncomfortable. The
point is not the “free hall pass” to all my desires. The point for me is to
have the kind of relationship with my partner that takes us both into
consideration when deciding on what makes us happy. It’s about thinking about
us before we consider what the world thinks is acceptable for us. It’s about
love man. Big love. Whole love. Unadulterated love.
